1996 Gourmet for the Masses Class
The Legend
Once upon a time, in an imagination far far away, the Emperor Parkyus of Verdi, a great ruler, with much youth and vigor (in his own mind, anyway), ruled over his unruly supplicants in the kingdom of Bubble Beach. To appease Parkyus, the supplicants would engage in a strange ritual with a poor defenseless dead flat anchovy, a fish native to the kingdom. In this ritual, the supplicants would face Parkyus and make fish motions with their mouths while pouring Italian dressing on the anchovies and chanting "Pizza Pizza" in reverent tones over and over. Many think the term "sucking up" evolved from this unusual behavior. The great Parkyus would wave his hands majestically, acknowledging the chanting crowd, and would toss delicately fried bread cubes to, and sometimes directly at, his minions.
Following the supplicant ceremony, the minions, who by now were famished, would take the anchovy, the fried bread food, the dressing, and would arrange them artistically on a bed of romaine lettuce, and would loft Romano cheese delicately over the dish. The product, which couldn’t be called Caesar Salad for copyright reasons, was referred to as Parkyus Salad, or Pizza Pizza Salad. And the supplicants rejoiced.
Now you can enjoy Parkyus Salad with 165 of your closest friends by following the simple directions below.
The Directions
The contents of your Pizza Pizza Salad and Supplication Kit are under house arrest. You should open them with caution, since while the Anchovy is dead, it has been known to try and escape. The container your Supplication Kit is provided in has an upside and a downside.
Given that we always like to look at the upside of a problem, place the container on the table with the upside up, and the handle toward you. The upside has been thoughtfully marked with the word "Up".
Pull upward on the rib clasp to allow the upside to hinge upward. Be very very careful. The hinge has great tension and can send romaine flying if you aren’t careful.
Remove the containers of dressing, cheese, anchovy and croutons and place them on a table near the container. Do not open the containers until directed below.
Take each leaf of romaine and grasp 2.51 cm from the tip of the leaf, between the thumb and index finger of your right hand. Tear the leaves into cross-shapes. Repeat until all leaves are torn into cross shapes. Pile the debris you have created into the bottom of the supplicant kit container.
Open the anchovy container but do not remove the anchovy.
Open the dressing container. Anoint the anchovy by placing a drop or two on the anchovy. Pour the rest of the dressing over the lettuce, starting at the center of the container by starting at the center and spiraling outward, until most of the lettuce is covered, or you exhaust your dressing.
Close the supplicant kit tightly making sure all four corners are anchored firmly.
Hold the container over your head, close your eyes, and shake the container while chanting "Pizza Pizza" at least 10 times in solemn tones.
Open the supplicant kit, open the cheese container and sprinkle the cheese lightly over the debris. Repeat closing the container and shaking while chanting.
Open the supplicant kit, open the croutons, and sprinkle over the dressed debris. Repeat closing the container and shaking while chanting.
Open the supplicant kit and ceremoniously place the anchovy atop the debris. After an appropriate pause, in deference to the Emperor, you may consume your Parkyus Salad.
Copyright © 1996, Jonathan D. Frisch, R. Parkin May, Gourmet for the Masses. All rights reserved.